Forrest Gump Has Had Too Many Boxes of Chocolates
Category Archives: No. 119
Scientists Found Key to Treating Alzheimer’s, Forgot Where They Put It
Republicans Privately Advocating for Return to Articles of Confederation
The Articles do not contain a president, a Supreme Court, congressional power of taxation, or congressional power to regulate trade. Such a proposal thus represents a minor increase in Republican demands during negotiations.
The Government is Back, Unfortunately It’s the Same One We Had Before
BREAKING: Bad Chemistry Professor Arrested for Meth Production
Students were somewhat confused when Holmes revealed the title of the following week’s experiment, ‘Cooking with Lithium.” Confusion grew when the pre-lab assignment proved to be nothing but a shopping list of various cleaning chemicals.
NU Men’s Basketball to US Government: “Suck It Up, We’ve Been Shutdown 75 Years”
Freshman to Pursue Acting Career after “Being Discovered” on ESPN College GameDay
“During those magical two seconds that the College GameDay camera was on me, I felt like I had finally realized my purpose in life,” said Weinberg freshman Horatio Del Toro. “I’d never felt more alive.”
Jonas Direction Splits Up again to Form Miley and Sons
But that still doesn’t change the fact that no one cares.
Congress Refuses to Compromise between Parties
Bars in the District of Columbia have been filled with congressmen all month, and private parties are held almost daily.
NU Student from Ohio Exiled for Rooting for Northwestern
“I just can’t believe she could ever think any school was better than THE Ohio State University,” her former best friend said. “Just because she goes to that school doesn’t mean she can actually want them to be successful.”