“I felt as if the longer I stood within this lonely and hollow place, the more lonely and hollow I myself would become,” sobbed President Schapiro.
“There’s a 47% chance we’re going to win,” says Republican.
Norris Bookstore promised that it has, and always has had, more than enough textbooks, access codes, and student manuals, for all students in every single class at Northwestern, ever.
“Why would a prestigious university in a heavily Jewish area ever have a professor who openly denies the Holocaust? Open your eyes and question the narratives set before you, people,” Silverman posted on his Facebook page.
“At… At first I thought that we could just throw some illegals its way and everything would be fine, but then I realized that it only wanted Americans,” stammered House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA).
“You’ve got to remember how far we’ve come since last year,” added rookie shortstop Jonathan Villar. “Almost the entire batting order has made contact at least once this season.”
“We saw this as a no-brainer,” said Goldenberg. “There’s a big divide between North and South campus, and we thought that having everyone… get their packages at the same place would create some good old-fashioned campus unity.”