Freshmen Initiate “Parents Freeze” to Avoid Overly Emotional Mothers
Category Archives: No. 89
To Improve Sensitivity, Blackboard Renames Itself African-Americanboard
Romney and Obama Persist in Quest to Claim White Undecided Voter
HEMPSTEAD, NY – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are no closer today than they were yesterday in catching the elusive Great White Undecided Voter. After releasing their nets and (de)baiting their fishing lines during Tuesday’s town hall meeting, neither candidate was able to harpoon their quarry and the polls have stayed static. Attention has been brought specifically to the White Undecided Voter because the other voters have already been hunted to extinction. According to marine-biologist-turned-political-pundit Richard Jackson, “President Obama has
Allison Hall Government Plans Big Changes, “No Longer a Party Dorm”
EVANSTON – Newly elected representatives of Allison’s Hall Government have vowed to eliminate the dorm’s dastardly culture of constant intoxicated debauchery. Social Chair Cam Speller stated, “Residents were tired of the way Allison was, two people drunkenly stumbling down a hallway at midnight, occasional noise past 10 PM… I ran on the promise to change that.” Residents agreed; Weinberg freshman Max Turning of the second floor commented, “We thought that having strict CSOs would solve this problem; unfortunately, Allison is
Professor Proposes Solution to Lengthy, Off-Topic Presidential Debates
ITHACA, NY – The moderators of the presidential debates have tried to keep the debates concise and focused to no avail. The candidates ramble, go off topic, and make personal attacks on each other. Despite changes in debate format, stricter moderators, and rules known beforehand and agreed to by both campaigns, the problem persists. Peter Paddock, an esteemed psychology professor at Cornell University, has an answer: water guns. He explains, “Say Mitt Romney was not talking about the issue being
CNN’s Undecided Voter Poll Found To Be Toddler’s Crayon Drawing
[SURVEY] 47% of Women in Romney’s Binder Voting for Obama No Matter What
Obama Vows to Bring Tampons to Next Debate
Residential Hall Election Results Unofficial Until Jeb Bush Has Access to Them
EVANSTON – Students across the Northwestern campus were stunned to find out that fairly-counted votes for student government positions would be re-counted by Jeb Bush in order to determine the real winners. “The Allison presidential position looked like a landslide victory,” admitted resident Brad Turner, a Weinberg freshman, “but it’s always good to have the trustworthy Jeb Bush re-count for us!” Other students, though, weren’t too thrilled with Bush being in charge of the re-count. “I just think he’s done
Bitter Freshman Loses Dorm Election; Questions Authenticity of Opponent’s NU Acceptance Letter