National Ignorance Day Goes By Unnoticed
Category Archives: No. 88
Status Quo Resumes as Northwestern Finally Begins Decline into Oblivion
Campus Literally in Toilet After Debate Drinking Games
EVANSTON – The Northwestern custodial staff reported Friday that 85% of all toilets, including urinals, in Northwestern dormitories became clogged on Wednesday night between 8 and 11 PM. The rules for several Presidential debate drinking games had been circling around campus in the days prior to the debate. One group of drinkers reported the following guidelines: drinking if either candidate argues with the moderator, drinking if either candidate addresses his opponent in the third person, drinking if Obama falls asleep
China Decrees All Sesame Street Episodes Must Include Chinese Lessons
BEIJING – Chinese officials were surprised to learn Thursday morning that their indirect funding of PBS grants them the power to determine the content of Sesame Street episodes. Mitt Romney alerted the world to this fact during Wednesday night’s presidential debate, when he promised, “I will eliminate all programs that don’t pass this test: is the program so critical it’s worth borrowing money from China to pay for it? I’m sorry, Jim, I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS.
Obama Thinking Solely About Drone Strikes While Romney Speaks
CNN Editor Checks Al-Jazeera to See if Anything Interesting Happened During the Debate
Realizing He Can’t Win with His Own Policies, Romney Says Exact Same Thing as Obama
Study: World Really Fucking Depressing
EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global