Boreas, Greek God of Winter, Seeks to Smite Northwestern
Category Archives: Year 4
Gaddafi’s Friends and Family Reminisce About Crazy Motherfucker
Congress Would Rather Sit on Their Asses
WASHINGTON – Congress has voted down the latest edition of President Obama’s jobs bill that would have legally required Americans to get jobs. The proposal was met with fierce opposition from Congressmen who would rather sit on their asses instead. The vote has been interpreted by political analysts as a legislative act defending the rights of the lazy. Senators gave impassioned speeches about the freedom to “do absolutely nothing” and to “be a couch potato,” saying that Americans have a
Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone
Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone
Prisoner Release Stalled While Israelis Refused to Pay Shipping & Handling
JERUSALEM – Efforts to secure Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit’s release after five years of captivity hit an unexpected obstacle at the 11th hour Tuesday morning. Israeli officials were up in arms over a $4.99 shipping and handling surcharge levied by Gaza militant leaders Hamas, reportedly threatening to issue a charge-back on the MasterCard if Hamas “continually refuse[d] to honor the original arrangement.” Despite threats of an Israeli walk-out, tensions were finally relieved as Hamas graciously agreed to waive the fee
Cubs Sign Epstein, Fans Fear Success
CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs recently announced the signing of ex-Red-Sox general manager Theo Epstein to a 5 year-$20 million contract, making him one of the highest paid non-players on the Cubs directly behind Carlos Zambrano, Alfonso Soriano, and Ryan Dempster. Epstein, who is just coming off the most unproductive month of his career with the Red Sox, is expected to fit in flawlessly with the overpaid, underperforming style of play the Cubs have perfected over the years. “We are
Fitz Bribes Penn State Coach to Ensure Homecoming Win
EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. “I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most
Northwestern to Replace Football Team with Real Athletes
EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team. “The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized
Trix Rabbit Eludes NU Defense, Eats First Ever Bowl of Trix
IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday. “We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished
Time Traveler Attends Shaggy Concert, Mistakenly Thinks he’s Still Relevant