Texting mom says: âBhmm @tt*â
Category Archives: Year 4
“Joe the Plumber” Launches Presidential Bid; Rick Perry Still Dumbest GOP Candidate
TOLEDO, OH â Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as âJoe the Plumber,â unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election. John McCain and Sarah Palin used âJoe the Plumberâ as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: âTheyâre not going to catch me in a lie.â One political commentator pointed out that an
Kid With Beret Smoking Under Streetlight Tired of Accusations of Being French
EVANSTON â Auguste Rault has faced accusations of being French ever since he came to Northwestern University with a backpack full of baguettes and cigarettes in 2010. Rault, a sophomore French major, claims that this stereotyping is evidence of a culture of ignorance prevalent among âfat, American, spoiledâ Northwestern students. Rault, while moodily chain-smoking in the pouring rain, explained that people question him about whether he is French almost weekly. âItâs almost as if a man canât dwell on the
Freshman Participates in Dance Marathon, Gives Up After Two Miles
CHICAGO – Clarence MacMillan, a member of the class of 2015, tried to complete last weekâs Chicago marathon while dancing. The Weinberg freshman was seen fist-bumping and electric-sliding his way through the first two miles before a fellow contestant explained about what a complete asshole he looked like. âEveryone on Facebook was talking about signing up for Dance Marathon, I thought I would give it a shot,â he said. âThey mentioned something about thirty hours, and like, come on bro,
Wisconsin Freshman Marvels at Homeless Man Masturbating on Purple Line
âEveryone pretty much ignored it, so I figured that it was normal. We donât have that up north.â
Man returns iPhone 4S after alleged sexual harassment
TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as âBrian,â is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhoneâs voice-recognizing assistant. âIt all started off alright,â Brian said, âI was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.â Brian says that he shouldâve taken the phoneâs first interaction with him more seriously. âI started it up, and the first thing it said was, âWhatâs your
Seth Meyers Spots SoC Classmates at Homecoming, Realizes They’re Serving Drinks
Gothic Rock Band “The Flying Buttresses” a Soaring Success
HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire â From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like âHey You, Get off of My Pew,â âUs and Him,â and âIâve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ainât One,â The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass. The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to
Midterm to Test Freshmenâs Basic Human Skills
EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills. This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene. Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats
Kobe Bryant Unlocks NBA’s Chastity Belt; Stern Says Put a Ring on It
LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Sternâs chastity belt. âNow that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,â said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. âAll we have to do now is find Sternâs keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.â Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. âLook, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered