Category Archives: Year 4

NU Sororities Protest Kim Kardashian’s Divorce

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EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news. Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for

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Students Excited for Money, Food, and Clothes Weekend

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EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13. The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus.  The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures.  These valuables will also ask their students if they

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Former Heavyweight Champ Joe Frazier Dies after Fight with Liver Cancer

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EVANSTON – In a shocking turn of events, boxing icon Joe Frazier finally succumbed to his injuries sustained from liver cancer this past Monday. Although many know of his exploits on the canvas, few are aware that the 5’11” champ was hell-bent on “taking out cancer”. Shortly after he retired, and against the direct advice of many professionals, he began a campaign to “beat cancer the only way I know how: with my fists”. Frazier became notorious in certain hospital circles

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Medill Students Uncover UChicago Plot to Suck the Fun Out of Evanston

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EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston. According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago

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Kim Kardashian Goes as Gold-Digger for Halloween

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LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween.  On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries. Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of

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Freshman Still Believes She Will Visit Chicago Sometime

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EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year. “During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago,

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73% Find Sorority Preview “Terrifying”

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EVANSTON – According to a study performed by the Psychology Department at Northwestern University on Tuesday, 73% of participating freshmen were “absolutely terrified” by sorority recruitment preview. “It’s really understandable,” Panhellenic Council President Sarah Borges commented. “Six hours of inane small talk, uncomfortable fashion, and tightly-stretched fake smiles? It’s a lot like Dante’s fourth circle of Hell.” Following this Saturday’s six-hour marathon of lightning rounds of frivolous chitchat, outdated traditions like door chants, and judgmental looks over awkwardly eaten food

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Live Tweeting From Lupe, Matt and Kim

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This article was purposefully left unedited. “bout to get #whitegirlwasted” “Wating in line for this bus omf it’s cold as shit y is it so cold uagg” “I shouldn’t hav drank al that win lololololol” “”maybe I should just put my camera up my vagina” @maria_fd9 hahaahhahah #kinkybitch” “I know exactly 2 lupe and 2 m&k songs. Let’s hope they just play them the whole time” “OMG ITS FUCKIN COLD LET US N LUPE” “My nipples are going to be

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NU Cuisine Launches New Breakfast Slogan: “The Best $10 Bagel You’ll Ever Eat!”

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EVANSTON – In an attempt to increase dining hall attendance during the 7:30-11:00 breakfast period, NU Cuisine has hired a new PR team to revamp the image of the meal without actually spending any money to improve it. “We’ve received a lot of complaints,” Allison dining hall manager Chris Hynde told me as we sat down for a shockingly expensive breakfast of greasy hash browns, stale Rice Krispies, and watery coffee. “A lot of students feel that a roughly ten-dollar

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