Category Archives: Year 4

Iowans Quietly Go Back to Being Irrelevant

DES MOINES – At precisely 11:33 PM on January 4th, citizens across the state of Iowa unobtrusively returned to being unnecessary. This shift happened as the final votes in the Republican Caucus were tallied, and it was determined that the winner was Mitt Romney by 8 votes. Back in the natural state they reside in between each caucus, Iowans took a collective sigh of relief as they could stop pretending to be politically conscious and stop pretending to have what

Fraternities, Sororities Show Freshmen How Cool They Are by Not Hanging Out With Opposite Gender for a Week

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol. Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen

Fantasy Sorority League Sweeps Northwestern

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short. Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment

People Stand in Gym and Tell Each Other Which Old White Guy They Like Best

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were. Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy. The old white

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