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Category Archives: Year 4

Dumb Freshmen Excited by First Snowfall

January 18, 2012 Justin Erb Leave a comment

EVANSTON – With January halfway over, Northwestern University experienced its first snowfall of winter quarter last Thursday, much to the excitement of stupid, stupid freshmen. “I am, like, so excited for all this snow!” exclaimed well-meaning-yet-slightly-dim Weinberg freshman Jessica Garber. “I grew up in SoCal, so I’m super pumped for this snowfall. Literally every upperclassman I know has told me how shitty the weather gets here, but I’m sure the snow will be awesome forever.” “Snow is so unbelievably fun,”

Holiday Decorations Boost Campus Blue-Lights to Federal Minimum

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

Crunchwrap Supreme Court Sentences Cereal Killer to Death

January 16, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt. Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently

Tanorexia a Growing Concern for Uprooted Guidos

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

MTV’s Jersey Shore Cast Raises Awareness for Spreading Medical Concern SEASIDE HEIGHTS — While culture critics have decried Jersey Shore as “inane,” the season premiere of the reality show has brought an important health issue facing young Americans to the public consciousness. In Italy, a country famous for its cold climate and harsh terrain, Mike, Vinny, Pauly D, and the rest of the cast have suffered from “tanorexia,” struggling to maintain an even burnt-orange base-coat last season. The seriousness of

4000-Year-Old NU Student Found Preserved in Norris Ice Rink

January 16, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old. “This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the

Rex Ryan Eats Words, Adds Salt and Butter

January 15, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

“I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

Diversity Initiative Prompts Sororities to Accept Marginally Less Stereotypical Sisters

January 13, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to

The Devil Inside Fails to Satisfy

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside. I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others who said they would’ve rather been entertained by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It was rough from the very beginning. There was no build-up

After Poor Iowa Performance, Lizard People to Reconsider Campaign

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

DES MOINES — After receiving only 6 votes in the Iowa Caucus, lizard people said they will return to the marshes to reassess their candidacy. The decision was revealed in a speech delivered to the reptilians’ supporters who gathered in the campaign’s headquarter in Des Moines. “Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the

Brett Ratner to Vote on Excellence in Film

January 12, 2012 Flippy Leave a comment

LOS ANGELES – As Oscar season 2012 kicks off, desperate film producers have launched “For Your Consideration” ads aimed squarely at currying favor with Brett Ratner. The 42-year old filmmaker’s opinion, in a bizarre twist of fate, is considered not only relevant but actually equal to that of Martin Scorsese or half of the Coen brothers. The X-Men 3 director, whose soulless blockbuster films and derogatory comments against gays have earned him near-universal scorn, said that he sees nothing wrong