Wildcats Win NCAA Basketball Championship
Category Archives: Year 4
Alabama Man Didn’t Realize Trayvon Martin was Black
BUMFART, AL – Bill Smith had to double-take when he heard that Trayvon Martin was an African American. âI didnât know he was black!â said the shocked Smith. âThis completely blew me away,â he added. âWhenever the media reports a childâs murder, that child is always white. I did see that the black community was clamoring for justice, but I just thought they were especially touched by this white childâs agony.â The stunning revelation brought with it a whole new
Northwestern Finally Breaks Top 10 in Sporcle College Rankings
EVANSTON â The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. âWhile the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,â explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, âit represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US
Jesusâ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus
FRANKFORT, KY â Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The âburn-marks,â however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. âI was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,â said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.
Limbaugh Regrets âSlutâ Insult, Really Meant To Say âWhoreâ
NEW YORK – Rush Limbaugh has been attacked from all sides for his reaction to Georgetown student Sandra Fluke testifying in front of Congress in favor of womenâs rights, in which he called Fluke a âslutâ. In a brilliant PR move, Limbaugh retracted his earlier statement, saying, âI was wrong to say what I did. She isnât a slut for trying to advance her beliefs through peaceful means, which was well within her natural rights; sheâs more like a whore.â
Greek Student Dies After Completing Dance Marathon
Iran Wins Best Foreign Film, Abandons Nuclear Program
TEHRAN â Minutes after the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film was awarded to A Separation, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the country will abandon its controversial nuclear program. The president spoke from a makeshift stage set up in the middle of the cityâs famous Azadi Square accompanied by a local dance troupe performing an elaborate interpretive dance sequence representing the award statuette. âThis is the joyous day when the great state of Iran, with its glorious
SafeRide Driver Purchases Alcohol for Student, Makes Her Wait an Hour to Get It
EVANSTON â A SafeRide driver was recently arrested for delivering alcohol to a minor. According to court documents, the minor in question placed a call to SafeRide at 9:30 PM, and a driver was dispatched approximately 50 minutes later with spirits in hand. According to university officials, such wait times are not uncommon for students using school resources to get wasted. âSafeRide drivers may take hours to accomplish minutesâ worth of tasks,â Northwestern spokesman Al Cubbage explained, âbut when youâre
Eeyore Killed in House Collapse
THE HUNDRED ACRE WOOD, EAST SUSSEX, ENGLAND â The Lewes Police Force reported Tuesday that Eeyore, the lugubrious but beloved stuffed donkey best known through his acquaintance with Edward Bear (colloquially known as âWinnie-the-Poohâ), was found dead Tuesday. Eeyore, seen at right in a 2003 picture, was 85 years old. Constable Henry Anderson discovered the body under a pile of logs after the Lewes Police received a 999 call from Mr. Pooh. âIt was a grisly sight,â shuddered Anderson. âHis
Where Are They Now?: The Fucksaw
This report continues our series âWhere Are They Now?â This weekâs installment was written by Northwesternâs infamous Fucksaw. By The Fucksaw Hey, itâs nice to see you all again. Iâve been pretty busy. In and out, you know. As I always say, when life gives you lemons, penetrate them. Iâll be frank with you. I wasnât that happy with how they treated me in the media, being new to Northwestern and all. It was like all these parents spending $200,000