Gingrich to Drop Out of Race Next Week, Drop 10 Pounds Next Decade
Category Archives: No. 81
The Good and The Bad: Markwell Edition
The “I Agree With Markwell” campaign has taken the Northwestern campus by storm. Here is a detailed breakdown of its pros and cons: The Good -It’s something to talk about instead of the bad weather. -If you agree hard enough you get a free indulgence. -Hipsters who are trying to be ironic and contrarian against the backlash to his campaign agree. -Nary a soul has been lost on this campaign because they asked for directions, unlike that stubborn Moses. -The
Republicans Use Tupac Hologram Technology to Bring Back Reagan
WASHINGTON – After seeing the Star Wars-like hologram of the late rapper Tupac Shakur at Coachella, Republicans were so enticed by the technology that they decided to purchase their own hologram projector. Republicans are using their new machine in the GOP National Office to project Ronald Regan 24/7. Since last Monday, hologram Reagan has been repeating the phrases “Cut Taxes”, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, and “Trickle-down economics is good economics!” When asked why the GOP made the purchase,
National AEPi Shuts Down Local Chapter for Salami and Cheese Hazing
Natty Light Not Invited to World of Beer
Record Number of Students Apply to Tell Lies about Northwestern
Conklin hopes to tell visitors that Northwestern’s average ACT score is 35.8, 97% of graduates earn over a million dollars per year, and that famous alumni include both Joe Biden and Barack Obama.
ABC Exec Says No Changes Necessary for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve
ABC STUDIOS, MANHATTAN—The entertainment community was completely unsurprised to learn this past week that broadcasting icon Dick Clark had passed away as a result of a heart attack at age 82 in his Santa Monica home. Though official records report Mr. Clark’s time of death as sometime during the morning of Wednesday April 18th, 2012, medical examiners say he actually could have died as early as January 4th, 2005, the date his last facial twitch was observed. The entertainer’s death
Pottermore Secrets Unlocked, Resurrection Stone Used to Bring Tupac Back at Coachella
Secret Service Agent Takes 10 Shots Protecting the President
I Don’t Agree with Markwell: Fraiche Cinnamon Bombs are Delicious
Our campus exploded with debate this week over the “I agree with Markwell” campaign that was chalked across the sidewalks. While I believe that Markwell certainly has some valid points regarding theism and divinity, we must also consider that Fraiche Café’s Cinnamon Bomb cupcakes are delicious. Perhaps Jesus Christ can lead me to an afterlife of eternal happiness, but each Cinnamon Bomb leads me to spice rack nirvana when it explodes with flavorful holiness in my mouth. And He can