No. 78 | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: No. 78

Alabama Man Didn’t Realize Trayvon Martin was Black

April 1, 2012 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

BUMFART, AL – Bill Smith had to double-take when he heard that Trayvon Martin was an African American. “I didn’t know he was black!” said the shocked Smith. “This completely blew me away,” he added. “Whenever the media reports a child’s murder, that child is always white. I did see that the black community was clamoring for justice, but I just thought they were especially touched by this white child’s agony.” The stunning revelation brought with it a whole new

Northwestern Finally Breaks Top 10 in Sporcle College Rankings

March 31, 2012 Tom Schroeder Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The online quiz site Sporcle.com released its weekly college rankings Monday, and Northwestern University was for the first time in the Top 10. “While the number 10 is really not much different than, say, 12 or 13,” explained Northwestern President Morty Schapiro in an email to students sent at 2:00 AM, “it represents a symbolic victory in our decimal-based society. Let us celebrate our recognition as a top-tier school, where our students are able to name the US

Jesus’ Face on Toast Turns Out to be Flesh-Eating Fungus

March 31, 2012 Brian Earl Leave a comment

FRANKFORT, KY – Adam Curtis found new religious convictions Thursday when he noticed that the burn-marks on his toast formed the image of his lord and savior Jesus Christ. The “burn-marks,” however, later proved to be a new type of deadly fungus, since named Corpus devoratus. “I was scramblin’ eggs while my toast was toastin’,” said Curtis, his eyes twinkling with his recently-discovered love of God, his cheeks black and decaying with the mold that will soon cause his death.