Category Archives: No. 51

Northwestern Trades Morty to Egypt for Mubarak and 2nd Round Pick

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Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well. Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last

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Yes, Sorority Risk Manager is a Real Position

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Hello! I am here today to clear up some misconceptions about sorority risk managers!! First, it is not simply an ironic title. There are risks. I have to remind the girls living in the house to come down for dinner. It is true, however, that most sororities have given up making sisters eat for lunch. Second, I make sure the shower temperature doesn’t fluctuate as wildly as Luka Mirkovic’s game-to-game performance. I also manage the risk of the spreading of

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Winter’s Bone First Porno Nominated for Best Picture

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Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court.  Ok, so when’s the winter bone going

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Man Takes Girlfriend on Romantic Date to See Blue Valentine

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EVANSTON, IL– With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Romeo Smith knew he had to do something special for his new girlfriend, Rosalin Jones. “You know, it’s the beginning,” he very aptly told Flipside, “she hasn’t even slept with me yet, so I know I can’t slack yet. She’s pretty classy, so I knew I had to find something, you know, romantic to do.” He considered a big box of chocolates, but decided against it because Romeo wanted Rosalin to

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10 Things Worse than the Cleveland Cavaliers (two takes)

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Take One: Joe Misulonas 10. Fred Armisen’s impersonation of Barack Obama on Saturday Night Live– Just because you speak with a staccato doesn’t make it a Barack Obama impersonation. Neither does dressing in blackface, which I had to learn the hard way. 9. Lebron James’ reputation- The only positive about the Cavaliers losing is that with every loss, more people begin to draw Hitler mustaches on Lebron James basketball cards. 8. Home Away’s Super Bowl Commercial- You might know this

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