Category Archives: Year 2

Taco Bell Comes Out With New Seven-Layer Diet Burrito

IRVINE, CAā€”Taco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in ā€˜fast foodā€™ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,ā€ said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer

‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake

JERSEY SHOREā€”Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.” Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro

Stoned Jaywalker Leads NU Students into Oncoming Traffic

EVANSTONā€”A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the ā€œDo Not Walkā€ sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties. Jack Smannikan, a sophomore

Throughout History, People have Begun Essays with Grand Generalizations

By Professor John McSnoot Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. Itā€™s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought. There are three main mistakes I see in my studentsā€™ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning.

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