Category Archives: Year 2

Marine Biologist: Two Flippers Way Down for “Dolphin Show”

EVANSTON—After watching the Dolphin Show, in my expert marine biologist opinion, I would give it about one and a half out of a possible five flippers. The show did not suit my fancy, and I was not a dolph-fan. Pardon my dolph-french, but the fact that sea life was so under-represented in a dolphin show sucked blowhole. The only water in the show was the ocean of tears everyone was crying at the end. The closest thing to use of

Freezing Cold Weather Returns; Environmentalists Rejoice

EVANSTON—Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather. “We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.” Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s. “Seriously, we were freaking out about global

Taco Bell Mourns Loss with Limited-Edition Burritos Containing Founder’s Meat

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco. To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last

U.S. Military Invents Gaydar: Please Don’t Ask or Tell About it

WASHINGTON—In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected. From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location

Econ Major Drops out of Ethics Course

EVANSTON—When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?” The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the

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