Category Archives: Year 2
Student Develops Foster-Walker Complex
Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass
EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved
Heroic Student Assassinates CAESAR
EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night. “Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.” He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush
Area Student Sexiled to Siberia
EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country. Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.” Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being
Morty Mash-Up
“HA-Cha!” Reports Man Who Just Found Twizzlers Under Couch Cushion
Cubs, Ricketts Turn Ushers into Billboards
CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards. “The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even
Dillo Day Issue: Ugh, Regina, Shut the Fuck Up Already
Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit. Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no
Dillo Day Issue: Dillo FAY yeahBut like regina spector
By An Actual Drunk Man* So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel. Â I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment. Â I shall not be silenced by the password code. Â What was i writing abouyt? Â of yeah dillo day. Â Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here . Â ity should have