The film will reportedly feature an extremely remorseful Bradley Cooper attempting to win back his âvery beautifulâ girlfriend after running off with, in Shaykâs words, an âuntalented, meat-dress wearing diva.â
“Iâm pretty sure this is open and shut. If you need me, Iâll be singing along to my homie Jay-Z.â
“I also told him to âshoot quicklyâ because the camera was low on battery, but I guess he misinterpreted that part, too.â
“Whenever I put them on I can feel the increase in testosterone and dopamine immediately. Yesterday I wore them and I chucked my Sperryâs at the TV.â
In a far from unprecedented move, Professor Irene Teck spent the first 15 minutes of her 50 minute lecture struggling to play a movie clip after no student was willing to offer their assistance as the âcomputer person.â
âI donât know whether it was the timing, or the wording, or the fact that Ericâs grandmother just died, but for some reason, me ironically mentioning my desire to ascend from this mortal plane wasnât well-received,â said the student at the heart of this unprecedented development, who wishes to remain nameless.
“Iâm pretty sure heâs always gotten the majority of the birthday money. Iâve made my peace with it.â
âThis fifty-six-year-old spring chicken thinks he can walk in and take my title of academic with shittiest opinions on campus?â
âLook, itâs just a bit of bad luck, but when the water levelâs low, you know the tidal wave is coming soon. We just need like $500 spotted and this club will pay out, guaranteed,â reported club president and failing statistics major, Bobby Fletcher.
After reviewing the footage, Porter discovered that someone brought an apple to the party.