NU Women’s Basketball Promised Real Basketball To Practice With Next Year
Women’s soccer is now insisting upon real cleats in lieu of university-issued stilettos.
Category Archives: Year 11
William Barr Summary of “The Lorax” Shows No Evidence of Tree Cutting
Democratic congressman Adam Schiff, who has spent several months threatening to subpoena a complete copy of “The Lorax”, claimed Wednesday that Americans had a right to the unredacted copy.
Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Morty To Become Fourth Jonas Brother In Order To Reduce Debt
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
Company Behind “Imperfect Fruit” Releases Follow-Up Product: “Rude Rice”
Imperfect Produce, the company that saved millions of fruits and vegetables that don’t conform to traditional fruit beauty standards from a life in a landfill, is back again with a new product. The company announced the release of “Rude Rice” earlier in the week. “Our new Rude Rice may not be as friendly as your average rice but we can guarantee that it tastes just as good!” said Imperfect Produce CEO Ginny Rice. However, those who have purchased Rude Rice
On International Women’s Day, Boss Made Sure to Call female Co-workers “Sweetie” to Let Them Know How Valued They Are
On International Women’s Day, local boss Mitchell Dawson made sure to call his female coworkers “sweetie” throughout the day.
RA Not Here to be the Fun Police
Nunez has been ramping up her efforts to appeal to students in preparation for spring quarter, reportedly concocting a weekly drinking game/kahoot to help bring the students of the dorm together.
Jesus Cancels Another Reunion Tour
While Jesus was unavailable for comment, as he has been for the past two millennia, Pope Francis released a statement on his behalf.
Student Comforted by Fact that a 107% on Final Can Save Her Grade
“My mother always told me that the final determines your grade,” claimed Harrison. “Class attendance, homework, and midterms are pretty much inconsequential.”
ASG Builds New Ramp or Something
It remains unclear whether ASG’s new measure promotes accessibility, inclusion, or both accessibility and inclusion—but either way, it marks a huge step toward wellness and sustainability and equity.