Freshman Grabs Ambitious Amount of Condoms
“I’m gonna be burnin’ rubber like the Indy 500. This should last me through the end of the quarter.”
Category Archives: Year 11
Smokey The Bear Can’t Believe This Was The Week He Went On Vacation
“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”
Marvel Conspiracy Theorist Convinced Stan Lee Not Dead, Will Return in Next Avengers Movie
“This is classic Marvel: characters fake their deaths all the time. It’s just like in the first Thor when Loki seemed to die in a black hole but then returned to Asgard in the next movie.”
The House Isn’t the Only Thing Turning Blue, Claims Frat Boy Participating in No Nut November
“My grandfather in a bikini won’t cut it anymore,” claimed Anderson, “for the Senate or for stopping my arousal.”
Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I
Breaking: SchoolDude Actually Just New “Scream into the Void” Software
Each “inquiry” was immediately transferred to the trash on President Morton Schapiro’s laptop, which he allegedly empties every two hours because he “likes the sound it makes”.
Only Girl in Your Compsci Class is Totally Into You
“She looks almost directly at me exactly once a class! It’s so hot, she’s totally hitting on me,” said clueless McCormick freshman, Alec Thatcher.
Budget Crisis Means Only Holiday Music in Norris is Morty Singing “Little Drummer Boy”
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
New Executive Order Is Just Book of Leviticus
At press time, President Trump had already cancelled the executive order after realizing that it would have banned slander, lying, showing partiality to the rich, and of course, letting your hair become unkempt.
Op-Ed: My Roommate’s Hundreds of Bees Shouldn’t Count as Emotional Support Animals
“He claims the buzzing soothes him, but the constant droning has barred me from sleep since this quarter started.”