Study: 17% of students choose not to drink due to mysterious past
BASICS also disclosed 87% of people who Juul will tell you about it immediately.
Category Archives: Year 11
Post Malone Ascends Beyond This Plane of Existence After Showering For The First Time
“I never thought this would happen, dude,” lamented Burt McDover, who looked after Post Malone’s head lice. “Posty said he just wanted to try taking a quick shower because all his buddies did it every day. It’s the newest trend, you know?”
White Guy Mixes Up Basketball Players and Rappers Again
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.
Freshmen Launch Survivor-Style Ceremony to Eliminate People from Groupme
“I will be launching a weekly ceremony to eliminate people from the GroupMe,” wrote Piper in an official press release to the GroupMe. “You can gain immunity from elimination by doing my laundry or locating a fork during lunchtime in Sargent.”
NU Replaces Tampons in Feminine Hygiene Dispensers With Raw Linguine Noodles
“We also prioritize inclusivity. That’s why we’re going to offer alternative gluten-free linguine, too.”
Wildcat Geogame Forces Free Pizza on Geography Nerds
“Pizza, on the other hand, is far too vulgar and plebeian a food to satisfy my intellectual desire. “
Area White Guy Dances Exclusively with His Shoulders
This report contradicts earlier statements by Hughes himself that he can “absolutely get it” on the dance floor
Student Misses Crucial Point in Lecture While Wondering if Anyone has Ever Truly Cared for Them
“Gosh darn” thought WCAS Junior Alberto Munez, as he realized he hadn’t been paying attention to his psychology professors lecture for the past 10 minutes as he pondered his own lonely, miserable existence.
New RTVF Major: “It’s Finally Time to Break Out the Beret”
“When I got the email welcoming me into School of Comm, in that very instant, it just hit me. This is it… I can finally break out the beret,” Wayfield stated, fighting back tears.
Student Joins Campus Satirical Newspaper Instead of Seeking Therapy
“I can’t get out of bed in the morning, but you can bet that I’ll have a good time riffing off of that for the Flipside,” said Chen.