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Northwestern Student Not Invited To Enough Parties To Have Drinking Problem

February 10, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

Surveys conducted by HPaW reveal that a shocking 31% of Northwestern students have a dangerously low blood alcohol content which coincides with a precipitous decline in the population’s party invites. The social capital of students with functioning livers is apparently critically low. “It’s a self-perpetuating cycle,” Mason Wincheski, Weinberg junior, sighs as he wipes a small paper cut with a disinfectant wipe in the desperate hope to get alcohol into his system. “Everyone knows anyone worth anything has an unhealthy

NU administration reminds students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library

February 10, 2019 Meg Carey Leave a comment

As midterm season begins, the Northwestern administration is reminding students to avoid audibly sobbing when in the silent section of Mudd library. “Please be courteous to your fellow students,” said administration member Adam Harrison. “If you’re going to burst into tears at the thought of how hopelessly unprepared you are for your exam or just because of a general existential dread, please move out of the silent section.” The administration is asking students in the silent section to, at the

IFC to Hold Inaugural “Respect Women Challenge”

February 10, 2019 Ben Moskow Leave a comment

“It’s the perfect plan, really,” said the IFC president. “There’s nothing frat guys like more than cutthroat competition. I can’t wait to see them tear each other apaaaart …with the goal of increasing female safety on campus of course.”

21 Savage Shotguns Entire Earl Grey Tea

February 10, 2019 Billy OHandley Leave a comment

“Blimey mate! You should’ve seen the look on those copper’s mugs when they budged up to my ID only to see that I’m bloody British. They were positively gobsmacked, I tell you!”

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