No. 265 | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: No. 265

Northwestern Revealed To Be Located On A Tear In The Space-Time Continuum Where Sex Doesn’t Exist

January 17, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, “We’re quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,

Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (“Blue Lightning”) at Dining Hall

January 17, 2019 Richard Godsel Leave a comment

A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an

Local Dickhead Masturbates Over Colorful and Crowded Google Calendar

January 16, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.

Area Student Beginning Winter Hobby of Watching Rich Students Call Ubers Everywhere

January 16, 2019 William Belcher Leave a comment

“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”

Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul

January 15, 2019 Alessandra Hernández Leave a comment

“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”

Thanos Defeated After His Homophobic Tweets Resurface

January 15, 2019 Christopher Li Leave a comment

“Relationships should be perfectly balanced between a man and a woman. Anything else defies the natural order of things,” read one tweet. Another read “Seeing homosexuals struggle in society does put a smile on my face”.

After Bachelor Season Opener More Male Tinder Profiles Boast “Virginity”

January 14, 2019 Shelby Schultz Leave a comment

“To be honest, it is hard to remember what Underwood looked like,” stated Harper Cardinal, “but I do remember he was a virgin and that all of the women liked him a lot.”

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