Student to Travel to San Diego to Witness Loss, Decides Indy Wasn’t Far Enough
“The silent 30-hour drive back to Evanston will be the highlight of my college experience.”
Category Archives: No. 264
Student Hides Microwave Inside 50-lb Bag of Cocaine for Winter Dorm Inspection
As winter break dorm inspections draw near, Weinberg sophomore Keith Harding announced plans to prevent his RA from confiscating his microwave by burying it inside a 50-lb bag of cocaine. “I really like the convenience of having a microwave in my room, but I’m technically not allowed to keep electrical appliances in here,” said Harding, a frequent re-heater known throughout South Campus as an instant oatmeal plug. “Boy oh boy, this ought to fool them!” Northwestern Residential Services acknowledged to
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
Students Watch Anxiously as Squirrel Attempts to Cross Sheridan on a Busy Day
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
Op-ed: How Dare She Date Someone More Kind, Intelligent, and Attractive Than Me?
Really Samantha? You chose to stoop that high? Have some decency… but not enough decency to do that.
The Daily Northwestern Stops Writing Real News in Honor of George H.W. Bush’s Death
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.