âPlease, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah âZac-Attackâ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!â
“What really put me over the edge was a scary clown handing me my CHEM 212 grade and saying, âOh no, I guess mommyâs little boy wonât be a doctor after all!ââ
Last week was tough for SNL cast member Pete Davidson, who reportedly enjoyed a âblissful and carefreeâ summer. On October 15th, Sears filed for bankruptcy, bringing Davidsonâs happiness to a halt. Pete was one of Searsâ biggest fans and most loyal shoppers, even tattooing the Sears logo on his body. Now that Sears is no longer financially solvent, Pete has gone through the painful process of covering up tattoos that were once so meaningful to him. âIâve been covering a
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. âI think itâs important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,â said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. âWe need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:
Twenty students have already come to the floor RA with complaints that they witnessed Daniel once again pulling the socks off the handles and tucking them gently under his belt to later be thrown into a pile in his room.
âI felt like I was dining in a Holiday Inn Express and not freezing in a muddy backyard covered with tarps and half-empty beer cans.â
âWe thought, âNo, letâs keep everything completely identical. Just change the name. Thatâll get the people going.ââ
âRejection from an improv troupe is part of the classic Northwestern experience; itâs really what people come to this school for,â said Mark Browning, father of Jim Browning
McCormick sophomore Laura Russo has been reported missing since last Thursday. She was last seen at 5:30 PM on the lakefill, napping peacefully in a perfectly innocuous woven hammock.
An aide to the Warren campaign said, âWeâd like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer âbod.â