New Study Reveals That You Aren’t Good Enough to Go Here
A new study published in the Daily Northwestern has revealed that you are neither academically nor socially good enough to go here.
Category Archives: No. 257
Freshman Confuses Primal Scream With Daily Screams Of Despair
“Ultimately, I think we’re all better off if whiny bitches like Craigery just synchronized their screams, for efficiency’s sake,” said librarian and professional shusher Rita Lotte.
Op-ed: Stop Looking at the Climate While it’s Changing, You Perverts!
Here’s the bottom line: if the climate is changing, you look away! Stop measuring the weather and making your graphs, and shut your eyes, for Christ’s sake!
Area Student Channeling All Hope and Depression into Windowsill Basil Plant
When Maddie Fisher, WCAS ’21, began to plan her dorm room décor through a series of Pinterest boards, she had no idea that her basil plant would grow to become such a big part of her life. Inspired by a stack of interior design magazines, Fisher assumed that a basil plant would add to the décor of the room. Instead, Fisher found that the plant, Jonathan, was a great listener. Jonathan would listen to her problems with her boyfriend, Jorge,
Area Nudist Dresses Up for Halloween
“Usually I just put a napkin on my pecker to make it look like a ghost, but this year the community is expecting something more,” Scoggs explained to the press.
Morty Embroiled in Scandal After Cheating During Game of Guess Who
A rule breach in a game of Guess Who could result in Moriarty Schapiro going on a long time out, or even getting grounded for a few days.
Dining Hall Now Offers a Slap Across Your Fucking Face With Raw Chicken Breast
The move comes after the new dining service Compass merged with PĂĽnchindafäce™, a transnational Swedish corporation that fuses gastronomic arts and sadomasochism.
Razor Scooter Owner Rides After Dark to Avoid Being Recognized
On the outside, he seems just like everyone else. But on the inside he has a massive, two-wheel secret.
Morty Hoping He’ll Get More than Natty Light While Trick or Treating at Frat Houses
“I am hoping by the end of this I will have enough candy to last until Christmas. Maybe they’ll even throw a few Keystones in there too.”
Mock Trial Stages Mock Execution
The death penalty case arose when Ross approached NUMT’s promotional stand at the Rock and took a brownie before realizing they cost 75 cents. With no cash or venmo, Ross was summarily charged and convicted of theft and thirteen counts of homicide.