Freshman Makes Eye Contact 14 Times in One Day
“I’ll stare right into their eyes and not say a single word. If their pupils dilate, that means it’s working.”
Category Archives: No. 229
NU Father Holding Out Hope Son Declares Econ His “Real Major”
“Last Thanksgiving, his mother and I said that we would support him whatever he ended up choosing,” said the elder Isaacs before adding “but” and four reasons why economics is “just so much more employable.”
Primal Scream Occurs Early This Year on National Boyfriend Day
The police report revealed countless moans of varying pitches and intensities accompanied by loud banging around 9 PM on Tuesday.
University Renames North and South Campus as Left Brain Campus and Right Brain Campus
“Who are we fooling with this ‘one cohesive campus’ bullshit?”, added an anonymous tour guide.
“Trumpet,” Answers Bienen Student Before Being Asked
Jozek attributed the outburst to two weeks of being asked by other Bienen students what instrument he played.
Diversity TND Teaches White Jewish Freshmen from the Chicago Area They’re Not Alone
Morty: “We have students from more Chicago suburbs than ever before; as a matter of fact, we only took 40 kids from ETHS this year!”
Happiness Club Stresses No Experience Necessary
Sophomore Brandon Wong says that he’s looking forward to another year and encourages students to give it a shot, even if joy “isn’t really their thing.”
Civil Engineering Students Finish Sheridan Construction in Cocaine Bender
“Straight lines of paint are much harder than straight lines of coke, y’know? I think we nailed it, though.”
Northwestern Student Arrested After Unlawfully Removing Fruit from Dining Hall
“Let this be a warning to all other lawless individuals looking to steal fruit from our dining halls,” Ellis continued. “You have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. We will find you, and we will stop you.”
Study Confirms That, Despite Wanting to, Gays Cannot Create Hurricanes
“It’s not like we haven’t tried,” said Ainsley.