Joey Bada$$ to Join 2018 Dillo Lineup
Reports from Mayfest sources indicate that Joey Badass will join Daniel Caesar, Whitney, and Young the Giant in the lineup for Dillo Day on June 2.
Category Archives: No. 250
Morty Breaks Out the Temporary Tattoos in Preparation for Dillo Day
Sources have been reporting for the last few days that Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro has recently decided to bust out his temporary tattoo collection in preparation for Dillo Day.
Northwestern Vineyard Vines Cartel Encroaches on Patagonia Territory
Per University policy, a travel advisory is in effect for large portions of the frat quad. Students are warned that accepting any free merchandise may result in violence. Last week, Trent Chadwick, WCAS ’21, was found stripped and bound outside of SPAC with a crude mountain range spray painted on his chest.
Geology Major Just a Little Too into Eating Rocks
“Geology is my passion. I want to live, breathe and eat geology for the rest of my life.”
Desperate McCormick Senior Accepts “Food Engineering” Position at KFC
Jones stated that his new downtown Toledo office, conveniently located 15 minutes from his childhood home, will provide “an unparalleled experience in the ever-expanding field of deep fry technology”.
Live Stream of Chem Final Flagged as Graphic/Violent Content
In an effort to make STEM fields more relatable, faculty within the Chemistry department set-up a live stream of the Chem-132 final for 2 minutes before Twitch staff were inundated with horrified requests to end the stream. The live feed of students struggling to finish the final quarter of the general chemistry sequence was immediately flagged as graphic/violent content and Northwestern computers have been banned from using all Twitch streaming services.
Model of New Norris in Current Norris to Receive Tenure
“It was always there for me when I was struggling with a class or confused about just how much money new Norris is supposed to cost, and with tenure it can now help other students like me for decades to come.”
Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade Raises Minimum Gun Buying Age to 14
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy. “I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman.