Sad White Guy Has a Guitar and is Making it Everyone’s Problem
“Campus police have had to confiscate or outright destroy over 70 acoustic guitars in the name of aural preservation.”
Category Archives: Archives
Local Woman Unsure What Eye Color to Put on Driver’s License Because Her “Eyes Actually Change Colors”
“I used to think they change based on my mood, but now I think they actually change with the phases of the moon,” she continued.
Former PBS Kid Goes Wild on Election Night, Tries Processed Sugar
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.
Report: Everyone Definitely Noticed That Word You Mispronounced While Reading Aloud
“It wasn’t even a difficult word to pronounce,” Simmons admitted. “I just wasn’t prepared to be called on to read.”
Breaking: President Schapiro Allows First- and Second-Year Students to Visit Campus Once “As a Treat”
“All first- and second-year students can come visit campus once this winter, if they want,” said Schapiro. “You know, as a treat.”
Pence blames prostate exam on his exploratory phase in college, tells wife “I will do better next time”
What started as a routine check-up turned into an experience unlike any other, except maybe one other.
Tim and Moby of BrainPOP Officially Come Out As Gay
The public response appears to be mostly positive. The LGBTQ+ community has been quick to embrace this advancement of relations between machine and man, hailing it as “the Third Industrial Revolution”.
Report: Candy Corn “Okay”
“Both candy corn and its enjoyers have no taste, will show up uninvited at your Halloween parties and can, if so compelled, clog up your ear.”
From the Archives: Calls to Abolish Greek Life of Philosopher Socrates, Forced to Drink Hemlock
“I mean for Zeus’ sake, we’ve barely just invented math, we don’t have time for philosophy!”
Op-Ed: Yes, My Zoom Photo is My Headshot. I Hate Myself as Much as You Hate Me
I know that people assume I am a pretentious asshole who is completely full of myself. All of these assumptions are valid.