Incoming Freshmen Surprised by Lack of Controversy on Campus
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Category Archives: Archives
Doñald Trump Adds ñ to Name in Appeal to Latinos
His campaign almost immediately began running attack ads showing Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton coughing onto children with somber mariachi music playing in the background.
Naked Homeless Man Mistaken for Public Commentary
“The guy was just laying down on the hot sidewalk, listless and devoid of any mental thought, but, his performance art really makes me think how fucked up our nation really is.”
Multi-Millionaire Attributes Financial Success to Leaving Fifteen Percent Tips
“Leave the chauffeur 20% and you’re not only depriving yourself of yacht money, but you’re also depriving him of the chance to earn himself the dignity of honest work.”
Brock Turner’s Summer Internship to End in Time for Fall Classes
The internship was personally designed by Judge Aaron Persky in collaboration with Turner’s expensive defense attorney, to be a “transformative learning experience” about the American justice system.
NU Football Skips Right Over False Confidence Part of Season
This year Ryan Field’s atmosphere will be quite different as fans will have little to no confidence in the team as it heads into the difficult part of its schedule.
Area Freshman “Goes with the Flow,” Found Dead in Trash Can Next Day
“Man, I’ve never seen a man inject heroin and LSD so fast into his ass before.”
Trevor Siemian Has Good First Day at the Office
Siemian successfully completed 18 of 26 sales calls, and personnel manager Gary Kubiak called one of those calls “touchdown quality.”
Northwestern Grad Receives Promotion at Denver-Based Firm
Siemian’s promotion means he will follow in the footsteps of many previous Northwestern graduates who also work long, intense hours in ultra-competitive, high-turnover professions.
Abroad Student Decides Uganda Isn’t So Bad
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.