Frisky Freshman Pledges to Go “Meatless” on Mondays
“This could definitely do me some good. My jaw gets very sore from handling meat so often.”
Category Archives: Archives
Area Freshman Confident Dream Girl in Next Quarter’s Classes
“He’s trying to pretend he’s Romeo when he comes off as a coked-up Charlie Sheen every time he talks to a girl.”
Joan of Arc Was Seriously Lit
‘The Maid of OrlĂ©ans did what most teenagers do and lit up at least once, according to our historical data.”
New Dorm on North Campus Just Another Whole Foods
Local residents are excited about the location of Evanston’s fourth Whole Foods.
Trump Bumps “Debates” Up List of Democratic Institutions to Destroy
Blaming an unfair system rigged by the nation’s 240-year tradition of majoritarian democracy, Mr. Trump has decided to move “debates” from their current place beneath “taxes.”
Off-Campus Party Gross, Just Fucking Gross
“It was so damn hot in there, people were sweating like pigs, and on top of all that, the beer pong balls kept landing on the mildew in the back corner.”
Kresge Built on Ancient Student Burial Ground
“Scientists have retrieved and identified approximately 150 people from under the building, as detected by the geological survey of the site, who died under the oppressive legacy of Northwestern founder John Evans.”
Morty Challenges UChicago President to 2k Throwdown
“It’s time to get real. It’s time to take those cowards down once and for all, which I will do by obliterating him in 2k.”
Nebraska Fan Can’t Fit Ear of Corn into Clear Plastic Bag
“I wasn’t allowed to take in my lucky ear of corn because I couldn’t fit it into a clear plastic bag.”
Area Freshman Plans Trip to Skokie to Break Evanston Bubble
“The best sushi I’ve ever had,” commented Patricia Woods, WCAS ’20, a premed chemistry student, originally from Ames, Iowa. “It tastes like someone from Japan actually made it!”