Area Freshman Watches a Lot of Porn
Stevens said that he first started worrying about his roommate when he “walked into the room one night at 1:15 a.m. to find Jason sitting in the dark at his desk, watching porn and eating Pad Thai.”
Category Archives: Archives
All-Male PA Group Awkwardly Says “No Homo” After Every Sentence
“We can get brunch as a PA group and try each other’s food without having to ask for a sterilized fork now; it’s very liberating no homo.”
Area Student Has Shitty Face, Personality
“I love my son and all,” said mother Isabel Byrne, “but sometimes he can be such an asshole; and when he gives me that dumb looking smirk, I sometimes feel like hitting him with my car.”
Northwestern Student Body Headed Straight to Hell
“I think I saw the mad glint of their god’s eye today. His shriveled white prophet made it explicit when he condemned me to hellfire lest I repent. Those are damn convincing words.”
Shepard Freshman Camps Outside Laundry Room with Big Fuck-Off Axe
“Oh, I totally intend to use this,” Ruben said when questioned about the fire axe resting on her lap. “Nobody is going to keep my three weeks’ worth of sweatpants out any longer.”
Justin Jackson Releases Tax Returns for Some Reason
His reported income includes wages from a summer job a few years ago, and that’s apparently it.
Sheil to Hold Coat Drive for Idiot Freshmen
“I understand now that in order for Sheil to serve the Northwestern community, we need to give these idiot freshmen the coats they were too stupid to realize they needed in Illinois,” Sister Mary said.
Local RA Only Member of Floor GroupMe
“I thought Cassidy was really cool at first, but then she cornered me in the lounge, yelling about how I missed some Saturday night info session about using the CTA.”
Wolf Blitzer Shouts “Breaking News” Before Taking Shit
Members of his family have repeatedly tried to help Blitzer break his “bad habit,” but all attempts at doing so have been fruitless.
Report: Your PA was Drunk the Whole Time
Northwestern’s Alcohol ENU, long ignored by students, has recently come under fire for releasing a survey of PA drinking habits.