Confused Freshman Searches for Food in Elder Dining Hall
Reportedly, a confused Sterling decided to start wandering through Elder Dining Hall under the mistaken assumption that there was food in Elder Dining Hall.
Category Archives: Archives
New ASG Senator Thinks He Can Make a Difference
“I’ve heard all about last year when they passed important resolutions on Sodexo and had a contested election; if that kind of stuff can happen, then surely ASG is a force to be reckoned with.”
Russian Hackers Successfully Log in to Caesar
The hackers were reportedly able to breach Caesar’s state of the art security measures to check their financial aid statuses, sign up for classes, and print their unofficial transcripts.
Op-Ed: Halloween Not as Scary as Your Family’s Expectations
At least Leatherface doesn’t care how your last interview went.
Northwestern Secondary to Dress Up as Good Secondary for Halloween
“It sucks when you’re the unit holding the team back. Halloween is the one day of the year when anybody can be anything – dreams can come true.”
Area Freshman Blushing after Being Asked to Dance Marathon
He has already texted his parents about his date, and he hopes to get coffee on the Lakefill with her before it freezes over.
Morty Goes as “Sexy Safe Space” for Halloween
“His costume totally rejected gender binary,” said Veronica Keller, SESP ’20. “You honestly couldn’t tell if he was being slutty in a dude way or a girl way.”
Area Freshman Drops High School Boyfriend Instead
“Each time he texted me something cute—and we’d text for hours—I’d blush and daydream for 10 minutes. There’s not enough time in a day for all of that, with homework, classes, and my weekly lab.”
Area Senior Saved Drops for This Year
He has already completed his foreign language requirement, his major requirements, five of the six distro areas, and, for some reason, a minor in geography.
Trump Star Smashed Like Trump Smashes Pussy: Without Consent
More and more Americans are becoming convinced that these were less consensual acts on Mr. Trump’s part than they were an unasked-for hammering.