Area Douchebag Turns to Kant in Times of Crisis
His classmates can’t wait for him to go to a small liberal arts college, where he’ll eventually become philosophy professor and never be heard from again.
Category Archives: Archives
SPAC Closed on MLK Day, Hundreds of Leg Days Ruined
In addition to cancelling classes, many buildings across campus were closed, including the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Center.
Area Man’s Mind Closed for MLK Day
Several sources reported today that Evanston resident Gary Chambliss’ mind will be closed today in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Frat to Celebrate MLK Day by Watching The Office’s Basketball Episode
“The episode is a brilliant commentary on the dangerous consequences of stereotyping. Not all black people are good at basketball, not all fat people suck at basketball, and women are sometimes okay at basketball too.”
Fraternity to Haze with Aggressive Emotional Support
“It’s more devastating than taking shots till we puke.”
Area Sophomore Swallows Goldfish at Job Fair “to Prove Loyalty”
“He proceeded to bend down, removing the goldfish from its bowl, and drop it straight into his mouth.”
Trump Son-in-Law “Not Evil-Looking Enough”
Rated a solid 7 out of 10 for attractiveness by Vogue, Kushner seems to be able to get away with much more than the older, richer, whiter males.
“Pladimir Vutin” Appointed to Trump Cabinet
While congressional Democrats have cited Mr. Vutin’s connections to Russian politics as both risky and say that he “isn’t even trying anymore,” President-Elect Trump stands by his candidate.
Obama to Delay Trump’s Inauguration with Four-Year Farewell Address
The address will be supplemented by recurring segments on fashion trends, daily sports picks, and live reactions to Trump tweets.
Weinberg Junior to Attempt Eighth Different Note-Taking Method
Having already found that his grade decreases as his distance from the lecturer increases, Isaacs hopes to find a similar pattern through his increasingly robust data on what factors correlate most with success.