BREAKING: Chips Ahoy! Employees Test Negative for COVID-19, Positive for Scurvy
The highly complex testing process included having blood drawn, mopping the deck and sparring with a member of a feuding ship.
Category Archives: Archives
This Weekâs Horoscopes: Celestial Bodies Predict Future with No Evidence!
The world doesnât make sense right now and you probably havenât put on real pants since Marchâso why bother with âscienceâ and âproofâ when nothing seems to work anymore? Itâs time to turn to a safe and secure way to predict your future using the method wholly endorsed by Whole Foods shoppers and the aunt who gives you crystals without consent. Find out how your monotonous days of quarantine may soon change below! Ariesâ Maybe the real vaccine is the
Lucky the Leprechaun Ousted From Cereal Brand After Association with IRA is Uncovered.
For years the mascotâs political leanings have been the subject of speculation given his Irish heritage.
Northwestern Students Relieved to Learn Marriage Pact Isn’t Legally Binding
While the news about the pact is being well received, it really begs the question – why would anyone think it was binding?
The Flipside Guide to: staying humble when you single-handedly put your entire hometown back in quarantine
No matter the slack you get from the Moms of Springfield Facebook group, donât stop partying!
Man With Truck Nuts Weighs in on Masculinity Discussion
âItâs just not manly, real men are strong warriors! A man in a dress couldnât protect his family!â
Potential Biden Cabinet: President-Elect Eyeing SkyÀllsborg, Jill Biden Believes Grönkulla Matches Kitchen Counters Better
“Biden confused reporters with his inability to clarify whether he was talking about a person or furniture.”
Pfizer Reports Vaccine Effective For 90% of People! Other 10% Contract Chlamydia.
Over the last 8 months, the world has anxiously awaited the development of a cure for COVID-19. However, Pfizer has announced a new vaccine that successfully protects 90% of all people who take it against COVID-19. While many see this as the end-all to coronavirus, others are skeptical over the efficacy of the vaccine. âEver since I signed up to test the vaccine, my balls have been itchingâ, said Jay Mast, who asked to remain anonymous, âat first I thought
Local Frat Bro Clarifies His Body Enters âHeterostasisâ When He Goes to Sleep
In an official statement released last week, a local frat brother has clarified that his body enters âheterostasisâ when he sleeps. Thaddeus St. John, a second-year member of Hetta Hetta Rho, put out the official statement last Tuesday after his biology seminar. âIt has come to my attention that most people enter a âhomo stasisâ when they fall asleep,â St. John wrote in the statement, which he posted to his Instagram story on Tuesday afternoon. âI just want to clarify
âNo, The COVID Swab Doesnât Really Go Into Your Brain. Trust Me, I’d Know,â Says Local Man Once Abducted By Aliens
“These aliens, their probes went up my nose directly into my brain, and sucked big pink chunks of it out into an examination tube. I actually only have half a brain now.â