Area Man to Stop Calling Women “Females” For Valentine’s Day
Women should be able to not have sex if they don’t want to, Holbrook said, provided that they’ll still do “stuff under the table at Chili’s.”
Category Archives: Archives
Op-Ed: Will You Be My Valentine and Co-Sign My Loan?
“There’s nobody sexier or more financially solvent than you, baby, and this Valentine’s Day I want you to feel special.”
Professor Too Busy Rekindling Marriage to Grade Midterm
“Honestly it’s just been me spending more time at home and making married life feel less empty, but it’s definitely for the best.”
Sophomore Remains Unfazed by Read Receipts on “Hey” Texts
“I’m sure she’s just busy. Or playing hard to get. I get that from chicks a ton.”
Fraternity to Move Thursday-Night Rapes to Off-Campus House
“We are encouraged by recent efforts enacted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC). We feel this will curb sexual assault on campus, and effectively push it off campus,” remarked Patricia Telles-Irvin.
“We’re Doing Our Best,” Says Administration that Provides Frats On-campus Housing
“Sexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an ‘awareness workshop’ is.”
Sex Week Comes Early, Organizers Embarrassed
“Frankly, we, the organizers of Sex Week, were just as blindsided as the students. The whole thing just blew up in our face. It was a complete mess.”
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
Demographically Clueless Republican Enters Evanston Mayoral Campaign
“I—despite being a straight, rich, white male conservative—feel like I can be the best ally to people upset at how the world chews up and spits out the little guy.”
Non-Area Student Visits Campus
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwestern’s campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.