God Sics Plague of Prospies on Norris
The prospies seem to act as if they were a swarm of locusts, reducing access to campus’s vital sustenance such as Starbucks iced coffee and Subway sandwiches.
Category Archives: Archives
Freshman Plans to Ask RA to Formal
She keeps writing little notes with my name and sticking them on my door.”
Ethics Probe: Ivanka Must Be Paid for Feeding Her Father Blood of the Uninsured
Once aware that Ivanka’s position was textbook nepotism and that she was feeding her father the blood of those less fortunate, the House committee was forced to publicly condemn their fellow Republicans.
A&O Presents La La Land with Jordan Horowitz
“Events like this keep me young,” said Barry Jenkins, director of the Best Picture-nominated Moonlight. “I look forward to taking in the spectacle from the audience.”
Bunch of Nerds Finally Asked to Dance
Many observers credit the dweebs’ newfound success to their coach, Chris Collins, who, in a few short years, helped greatly improve their looks and confidence.
Jeff Sessions a Baller on the Segregated Basketball Court
Sessions, when asked to show what he got, gladly demonstrated his “legendary” skills in a pick-up game at the newly re-segregated gym in the Robert F Kennedy Department of Justice Building.
Girlfriend “Just Wants to Talk,” Sharpens Medieval Weaponry
“I was really confused at first, but when she started swinging the axe at me, I knew something was up.”
Every Time Samantha Bee Says Her Name, It Gets Faster
Critics of the night’s events argue that Bee went for the classic “meme over theme” approach, in which she used repeated meme usage over any actual writing, effort or skill.
College Republicans Hastily Cancel Plans to Invite Milo Yiannopoulos
“We would never have invited someone so intentionally divisive, with such regressive views on protecting children from sexual assault.”
Zootopia Oscar Nomination Gives Hope to Disenfranchised Furries
“We look at Judy Hopps as a role model for a new generation of furries” said a long-practicing furry who only referred to himself as his fursona “PrideBunny.”