Sophomore to Redirect All Questions About Her Summer to Her Instagram
An overly nonchalant caption, exclusively in lowercase letters and overwhelmingly blasé, follows each post.
Category Archives: Archives
Pissing Off Minority Group with Weapons Training is Greatest Move to Date, Nation Agrees
At press time, the White House was frantically sandbagging the doors and windows as neat regiments of transgender Navy Seals politely waited outside to have a word with the commander in chief.
Area Man Cleverly Sneaks “My Girlfriend” into Anecdote
In a maneuver described by neutral observers as “masterful” and “ultra-smooth,” SESP freshman Jacob Banbury expertly slid the words “my girlfriend” into a quick anecdote he told his friends over lunch in Norris earlier today. “It was sublime,” said one of those friends, Landon Trent, WCAS ’20. “He wasn’t, like, making a big deal out of it. He just nonchalantly dropped in the fact that he’s getting some while telling an unrelated story about what he gets on his Subway
NU Construction Unearths Heart of Ka’Zae’El, Unleashing Plague of Gnats
“Any historian knows that the ground beneath campus is hallowed by pagan witchcraft. The ancient ones knew to build out onto the lake rather than down into the abyss.”
Study: Babies Scream More When Punched
According to onlookers, the UChicago adjunct balled up his fist—full of scientific curiosity—and punched the “already-sobbing, tomato-faced little shit” square in the face.
Weinberg Announces Ethnically-Ambiguous Studies Major
The course list includes “Melanin: It Comes and Goes,” “Social Struggles and Never Fitting In,” and “How to Deal with White People Guessing Your Ancestry.”
Op-Ed: This Is Not The America Mark Twain Imagined
We spend all this time wondering if Betsy DeVos knows where Oregon is, but good ol’ Mark barely even recognized it as a real state. He saw a wonderland full of steamboats, fishermen, and abolitionists.
Ask Flippy: At What Point Should My Taxi Driver’s Yelling “SHIT SHIT SHIT” Be Concerning?
Currently, he is yelling frantically into his Bluetooth in fast-paced Spanish, interspersed with the occasional “SHIT SHIT SHIT” as he pounds the dash. Should I be worried?
The Rock Is Tired of All These One-Night Stands
Students have been advised to ask the Rock out for a cup of coffee or a nice dinner before taking things to the next level.
Weinberg Announces Ethnically-Ambiguous Studies Major
The course list includes “Melanin: It Comes and Goes,” “Social Struggles and Never Fitting In,” and “How to Deal with White People Guessing Your Ancestry.”