Elder Dining Hall to Add PlayPlace to Boost Traffic
“We’re looking to spread our brand throughout the entire campus and dominate dining services at Northwestern.”
Category Archives: Archives
Freshman Sees God through Complimentary Cru Glasses
“The sunglasses definitely drew me in, but then I was being asked if I wanted a personal relationship with God in order to rid me of my sins, and I thought, ‘why the hell not?’”
Cute Girl You Know Into Some Weird Shit
“I was trying to build up to asking her to see if she wants to see the new Spider-Man movie, but then she started talking about what she would do if webs could come out of her, uh, hands.”
Bienen Prof Releases “Best ‘Kidz Bop 33’ Tracks to Make Love To”
Austern notes that Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling” is especially good for older adults, writing, “the kids’ voices get so high and shrill, it’ll make it feel like your own kids are in the room with you!”
Social Chair Waiting for Reimbursement Finally Qualifies for Food Stamps
The Northwestern community wishes Freitag a quick and healthy re-integration and hopes that the temporary assistance will relieve his raccoon-based paranoia built up over these several trying months.
NU to Give Away Prozac And Panic Buttons in Lieu of Water Bottles This Year
“In years past, the water bottles were the perfect symbol for productivity and refreshment. But these days we count ourselves lucky not to contemplate our mortality every 5 seconds.”
Morty Further Delays Sheridan Construction to Play with Kickass Bulldozer
“Morty doesn’t have a long attention span. Soon he’ll be caught up in his next misadventure and construction can continue as planned. No biggie.”
SOFO Announces Mandatory 2-Week Leadership Retreat in Montana Wilderness
According to SOFO, the goal was to find a location inaccessible by road or other conventional forms of transportation.
White Co-Worker: So, Uh, How About That Cubs Game?
After grabbing an unmarked yogurt from the company refrigerator, he knew he had to speak up against the injustice.
Barron Trump Entertained by Puppet Government
Several sources close to the Trump family have voiced concern over how much time he spends watching the soulless pawns dance across the screen, but Marcellus isn’t worried: “If anything, this is what his father would have wanted.”