“We’re Out of Helium,” Squeaks CVS Employee
“It’s the darnedest thing!” squeaked manager Mark Shales.
Category Archives: Archives
JFK Files Reveal Surprisingly Solid Mixtape
these beats are, in fact, sick, but unfortunately never saw the light of day because “they would have blown the American public’s mind, figuratively, of course”.
Ask Flippy: How Do I Get My Roommate to Stop Throwing Lube at the Back of My Head?
Another option is to start wearing a CRU branded “Abstinence is the One True Way” chastity belt.
Area Student Dresses as “Intimacy” for Halloween
Though the theme of the party was to wear the scariest costume, Bowen’s outfit was not received well.
CAPS to Hand Out SSRIs to Trick-or-Treaters
“As a grown man living in America in 2017, I know that people just want the quickest possible solution to their mental health problems, and giving them drugs is easier than talking to them about their issues.”
Student Decides Laundry Can Wait Until She Has Another Paper to Write
The chores that supersede laundry, according to multiple sources close to Ostfell, include watching Netflix, applying for summer internships that haven’t yet begun accepting applications, and rearranging her bookshelves in reverse-chronological order.
Kinky Couple Role-Plays Being in Love
“Fucking has always been the foundation of our relationship, and no amount of love we have can ever change that.”
University Decides to Just Leave Sheridan Like This
With the new additions that have been added to Sheridan road such as its fences, gravel, and open ditches students now are forced to take the risk of walking across Sheridan Road to get to class.
Kellogg Offers Class on Conducting Loud Business Calls While Shoving Past People in Airports
“The hardest part of the class so far has been yelling swear words into my phone while shoving past families with young children.”
Club Treasurer Refers to Himself as “Director of Finance”
I mean, to be honest, being treasurer kinda sucks, and he only got the job since he was the only one who ran for it. So what he does with the name is no concern to us.”