What Net Neutrality Means For Us
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Category Archives: Archives
Freshman Wakes Up as UChicago Transfer After Mixing Antibiotics and Tequila
“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
Area Mom Excited To Meet Daughter’s Sugar Daddy This Christmas
“I’m so glad I came to Northwestern—these are the kinds of opportunities only a top-tier university could offer,” she said, examining her new Cartier diamond watch.
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
New Gender Studies Class Introduced: Dating in McCormick
“The class begins with the abstract: what a relationship is and why someone would want one. Later on we get into the nitty gritty details, like how to hold hands and the science of maintaining eye contact.”
Morty Nervous to Bring U.S. News Ranking Home to Meet Family
“Do I sometimes get jealous of other rankings and their hot Ivy League partners? Sure. But Morty is my man, and I think Northwestern University is a great school to be with,” the ranking said.
Male Student at C-Store Wonders What Kind of Potato Chip “Tampax” Is
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
Lonely Freshman Rides Tandem Bike in Hopes Someone Will Hop On
“I just know that one day, after my 9 a.m. class, someone will be waiting for me outside Kresge. They’ll see my mint green tandem bicycle and the two helmets I always keep in the front basket. They’ll look at me, and ask with a smile, gesturing toward my humble set of wheels, ‘This seat taken?’”