Go-Getter Just Gonna Break His New Year’s Resolutions Now
“Once I saw that Extra-Large Meat Lover’s pizza on the take-out menu, I was inspired by a burst of disinterest in my future. And the promise of bacon.”
Category Archives: Archives
Kentucky Gets Spectacular Last-Minute Victory in Bad Coaching Bowl
Stoops brought himself within striking distance by forgoing a game-tying PAT in exchange for a failed two-point conversion, then broke the tie by deciding not to go for an onside kick.
Report: Your Boyfriend Cheated On You Because He Has ‘AND’ In His DNA
After years of grueling research and testing, these researchers were thrilled to discover that the high rates of infidelity in male students on campus was due to the gene, and not just their shitty personalities.
What Net Neutrality Means For Us
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Freshman Wakes Up as UChicago Transfer After Mixing Antibiotics and Tequila
“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
Area Mom Excited To Meet Daughter’s Sugar Daddy This Christmas
“I’m so glad I came to Northwestern—these are the kinds of opportunities only a top-tier university could offer,” she said, examining her new Cartier diamond watch.
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
New Gender Studies Class Introduced: Dating in McCormick
“The class begins with the abstract: what a relationship is and why someone would want one. Later on we get into the nitty gritty details, like how to hold hands and the science of maintaining eye contact.”