“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” admitted Anthony Fauci in a joint statement with FDA director Stephen Hahn. “We’re not proud to be using Juul’s playbook, but damn, if they didn’t have a move or two in there.”
Steve, baby, you can’t have completely forgotten about the day we had together.
“Such emails serve absolutely no purpose, other than reminding the majority of students how shitty they are for not reading whatever book it was that they were supposed to.”
It stares at me smugly, knowing it single-handedly motivated me to seek CAPS.
What should I do? I didn’t even know I had a LinkedIn.
“My econ professor gave us an assignment to freeze for all eternity,” remarks an anonymous sophomore.
“Why would something like this happen to someone so normal?”
“It’s not bad at all,” she said. “I haven’t talked to my husband in almost a decade, and I’m growing hair out of holes I didn’t even know I had. So I can’t complain.”
“Most of the time my dreams are about the usual stuff… being late for an exam or that sensational feeling of being slowly slid into the savory embrace of a thick haviana flip flop”
Stage has allegedly written over 50 headlines, which one Flipside editor has described as, “just ok.”