Northwestern Career Advancement Feels Just As Shitty About Your Job Prospects As You Do
“I emailed evites for my dog’s birthday party after six glasses of wine. It’s not an exceptional skill!”
Category Archives: Archives
Study: Medill Undergraduates Have Lowest Soul-To-Body Ratio on Campus
“Our program strives to instill the values of public relations, media expertise, and heartless cynicism in all undergraduate students.”
Greenpeace Execs Keep 10% of All Whales They Save
“Do they mean, like, 10% of the population of whales? Or like, do they mean they get to keep a flipper or something?”
Report: Reflections in Kellogg Windows Look Like Your Ex
The glass ceiling in the atrium creates an image strikingly similar to your precious beau when they realized it wasn’t working between the two of you, and never would.
Northwestern to End Alchemy Program After 124 Years
After a string of recent controversies, Northwestern publicly announced that its infamous alchemy program will end not with a whimper, but with a bang. Citing an increasing number of students suffering chemical burns and various other injuries involving transmutation, Dean of Phrenological Studies and Alchemy Zanzar Pralzaban announced the cessation of the storied program in a press release delivered by three-eyed falcon. “We are sad to say we will go away,” Pralzaban said, reading directly from the release at a
Frat Parties to Now Include Tide Pong
A speed round begins with a 911 call for an ambulance, usually by a bystander or referee. The two players then attempt to sink as many pods as possible before the medical team arrives, with the loser answering the door.
Februaryfest Forced to Cancel Winter Dillo for 17th Straight Year Due to Inclement Weather
“We take great pride in planning the largest student-run outdoor winter music festival in the country, but unfortunately, high winds, single-digit temperatures, and accumulated snow have forced us to cancel all scheduled performances.”
Bike Path Still Complete
“Since the bike path is still complete, students who enjoyed using it to commute more easily from north to south are able to continue to do so, just like they already have been.”
Dual-Degree Student Sacrifices Personality For 6th Credit
“Honestly I’m only in this program to expedite the process of my death, get two sheets of paper from Morty, and go into the real world with no real achievable path for my life goals.”
Tinder Date Makes It to Second-Round Interview
Despite some red flags—Wright claims that Pines did not even catch the fish he proudly displayed on his primary Tinder photo—she advanced him to the next round.