Area Student Asks Advisor If He Can Drop All Four Classes
“I had to draw the line when he wanted to bail out of Math 220,” Kraps continued. “At that point, he was basically in SESP!”
Category Archives: Archives
Professorless Students Waiting Five More Minutes Before Just Going Home
On pain of death, students must wait for five minutes for TAs, ten minutes for associate professors, and fifteen minutes for full professors before leaving.
Starting Next Quarter, Students to Be Drafted Involuntarily into One Class Per Term
“Well instead of waking up at 6:30 am to frantically add classes to my cart before they get stolen out from under me, I’m taking Engineering Fluid Mechanics,” stated Comm studies major Gerry Shilvonotrov.
Commencement Speaker Replaced with Old Man Telling Each Graduate the Date of Their Death
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.
Morty Finally Breaks Chastity Vows
‘Honestly, he’s been trying to break them since 2002. We’ll see how it goes now.’
Bald Men Passing On Street Quietly Acknowledge Each Other
Multiple eyewitnesses observed the men exchange prolonged eye contact and a subtle nod as the sun glinted off their heads.
Area White Guy: “I Really Liked Martin Freeman in Black Panther”
‘He definitely was the breakout performance. They should have given him a bigger role in the movie.’
Fraternity Elbows Way to Intramural Basketball Championship
The player of the game was sixth-year senior Blake Peters, who finished with 22 points, 8 rebounds, 14 elbows, and 6 shoves.
Ketchup on Toast Making a Comeback Among Recently Divorced Fathers
Experts say that this newfound popularity with recently divorced fathers has been the result of an increase in microwave ramen and Easy-Mac prices across the country.
Health Services Reminds Sick Students to Rest Up, Drink Water, and Cough in Mudd Library
Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.