New À-La-Carte Major Lets Students Pick R, TV, or F
“I’m glad they finally realized I don’t need radio in my DNA, or at all, ever, in any context.”
Category Archives: Archives
Bait Unicycle Not as Effective as Hoped
“After pumping hundreds of thousands of dollars into the Bait Unicycle program, it remains to be proven that it has caught one person trying to steal a dweeb-mobile.”
Op-Ed: Mowing Your Parents’ Lawn Will Build More Character Than an Internship
Are you aware of how hot the tech and engineering industry is these days? I’m going to be working with an ancient, gasoline-guzzling, rusty push mower that my parents have refused to replace since the early 2000s.
Bird With Mohawk in Sorority Quad Means It’s Probably Spring Now
“When I first saw the bird, I was like ‘Oh, okay, I guess spring’s here,’” said Jason Kang, WCAS ’21.
Cover Letter Offers Terrifying Glimpse into Man’s Self-Image
“I genuinely believed he was asking me to proofread a short horror story for a good 30 minutes,” said Career Advisor Kerry Phillips.
“Yeah? Well I Have Seventeen Midterms Tomorrow,” Boasts Local Jerk
Rumors suggest that Chesterton may be the elusive and mythical obnoxicus doucheium, or “busiest student.”
Man Spends 30 Hours Reading Old Marvel Comics in Preparation to Criticize Infinity War
In preparation for the event, Johnson has read the entirety of the Infinity War series, the origin stories of every major character in the movie, and other Marvel comics relating to superhero teams ranging from the Fantastic Four to the Defenders.
Morty Moves to Nicaragua Under Assumption that New ASG President Has Replaced Him
Apparently not understanding the difference between “university president” and “student-body president,” Morty Schapiro has permanently moved to Nicaragua under the assumption that the new ASG president has replaced him.
Area Man Writes Passive-Aggressive Yelp Reviews for Parties He’s Not Invited To
“No chips, no beer, no music, and the host is irrationally afraid of sea lions,” wrote Melbourne about his lifelong friend and frat pledge, Frank, after not getting invited to the Beta Beta Gamma rager this past weekend.
Exclusive: ASG President-Elect Accepted $13.35 in Bribes During Term as Academics VP
A formal report filed by an anonymous whistleblower to the ASG Election Commission alleges that Jason Guo, Junior Undersecretary to the Vice Admiral of Academics, delivered an Edzo’s double-griddle burger and strawberry milkshake to Patterson and never received reimbursement.