Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
Category Archives: Archives
First Thanksgiving Without Grandma Goes Off Surprisingly Well
“Mom made the cranberry pie almost as well as Grandma used to, so by next year it won’t even be noticeable.”
Students Watch Anxiously as Squirrel Attempts to Cross Sheridan on a Busy Day
“I was jumping up and down, screaming for him to go back to his burrow.”
Op-ed: How Dare She Date Someone More Kind, Intelligent, and Attractive Than Me?
Really Samantha? You chose to stoop that high? Have some decency… but not enough decency to do that.
The Daily Northwestern Stops Writing Real News in Honor of George H.W. Bush’s Death
“We were worried that the extremely high-quality journalism that we usually produce would overshadow the mourning of the nation and the Bush family,” said a representative from the Daily.
Op-Ed: Cheetos in milk are the best winter vegetable. Let me convince you.
They’re orange, powdery and drenched in milk. Seemingly unassuming, they manage to divide the masses like none other. It’s rare that such a small thing can cause such polarization, but they do so with aplomb. Yes, I am talking about cheetos in milk. And yes, I think they’re the best winter vegetable out there (and I know many of you will disagree). Cheetos in milk get a lot of flak, and I have to admit that I was also once
Students Bond Over Shared SSRI Dosage
“I thought I was the only one on campus taking 150mg of Zoloft every morning,” said Michaels of her dosage.
Scientists Discover Girls’ Bathroom in Locy is a Portal to Hell
“It just seemed right,” said Satan. “Even I was creeped out by the Locy basement—I was like, ‘wow, looks like someone beat me to it.’”
Cold Weather Making Life “Really Hard” for Kids in Thousand-Dollar Jackets
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
God Annoyed With Amount Of Prayers For Release Of ‘Avengers 4’ Trailer
In an unexpected press release, God stated that he has become “sick and tired” of the “millions of prayers asking to release the trailer for the new ‘Avengers’ movie.” Earlier this week, a series of chiseled, stone tablets from Yahweh himself were found on the altar at the Sistine Chapel. Once they were translated from Latin, they revealed the Almighty’s distaste for his new workload. “Every single day, I sit and I listen to prayers asking the same things: ‘Can