Area Student Beginning Winter Hobby of Watching Rich Students Call Ubers Everywhere
“I give them bonus points if I can see both where the Uber picks them up and drops them off from one spot.”
Category Archives: Archives
Local Student Tries to Buy Juul, Accidentally Summons Zuul
“Look, how can you expect me to know the difference between a Juul and a Zuul? I’m a legacy, I never learned to spell.”
Thanos Defeated After His Homophobic Tweets Resurface
“Relationships should be perfectly balanced between a man and a woman. Anything else defies the natural order of things,” read one tweet. Another read “Seeing homosexuals struggle in society does put a smile on my face”.
After Bachelor Season Opener More Male Tinder Profiles Boast “Virginity”
“To be honest, it is hard to remember what Underwood looked like,” stated Harper Cardinal, “but I do remember he was a virgin and that all of the women liked him a lot.”
Students from Midwest Itching to Act Unbothered Following First Major Snowfall
Floridian and Californian students are warned to be wary of who they complain around, lest a Midwestern student overhears and feels the need to correct their ignorance.
It’s Official: R. Kelly Is Definitely Not Hosting The Oscars
For the time being, the Academy Awards will go on sans a host, demonstrating to audiences everywhere that the literal concept of nothingness is still preferable to R. Kelly’s presence.
Bezos’s Soon-to-be Ex-Wife Gets Divorce Papers with Free 2-Day Prime Shipping
“This is childish even for him,” said MacKenzie, “he’s turned into the Monopoly Man except with stupid aviators and weirdly muscular arms.”
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Student to Travel to San Diego to Witness Loss, Decides Indy Wasn’t Far Enough
“The silent 30-hour drive back to Evanston will be the highlight of my college experience.”
Student Hides Microwave Inside 50-lb Bag of Cocaine for Winter Dorm Inspection
As winter break dorm inspections draw near, Weinberg sophomore Keith Harding announced plans to prevent his RA from confiscating his microwave by burying it inside a 50-lb bag of cocaine. “I really like the convenience of having a microwave in my room, but I’m technically not allowed to keep electrical appliances in here,” said Harding, a frequent re-heater known throughout South Campus as an instant oatmeal plug. “Boy oh boy, this ought to fool them!” Northwestern Residential Services acknowledged to