Broken Man Decides Heās Named Seth Now
āFuck it, I guess my name is Seth now.ā
Category Archives: Archives
Bobb residents given free posters of newly renovated Welsh-Ryan Arena to cover up patches of mold
āA glossy poster of the $110 million renovated arena makes my chronic cough entirely worth it,ā said Bobb resident Jason McKeen.
Plex To Offer Photosynthesis As New āVegan Optionā
The dining hall at Northwesternās Foster-Walker Complex has delivered once again, this time with a trailblazing vegan option: photosynthesis.
No-Nut Government Shutdown Becoming More Impossible By the Day
āI thought it would just be a two week affair, but weāre on the verge of a full month now. If this goes longer than 30 days, I donāt know how Iām gonna hold up.ā
Op-Ed: Netflix Could Shoot Someone on Fifth Avenue and Iād Still Pay for Their Service
LookāIām not usually in favor of violence. However, Iāve been appalled by media attacks on Netflix over their new pricing plan. I have a simple message for my fellow Netflix customers who are considering defecting: if Netflix CEO Reed Hastings were to shoot someone in broad daylight on Fifth Avenue, I would have no qualms about continuing my subscription. The reason is simple: consider the alternatives. Iām not saying Netflix is perfect, but itās sure better than Hulu. Is it
Sorority Freshman Excited to Learn New Best Friendās Last Name
āBefore I just knew her as āJessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-that-house-with-pink-curtains,ā not to be confused with āJessica-with-blonde-highlights-from-the-house-kinda-near-Willard.ā”
Something Happens in United Kingdom; No One Understands It
The liberal party had reason to be chuffed with the big argy-bargy over the EU turning into a big bowl of codswallop with Mayās failure to pass a Brexit divvy plan 432-202.
Northwestern Revealed To Be Located On A Tear In The Space-Time Continuum Where Sex Doesnāt Exist
The global scientific community is on indefinite hiatus after the miraculous discovery that Northwestern University is located on an unprecedented tear in the space-time continuum where sexual intercourse is a non-extant phenomenon. Said top quantum physicist Harold Campbell of the (admittedly not-so-shocking) discovery, āWeāre quite surprised that such a tear in the fabric of reality is scientifically feasible. No one, however, is surprised that the one known location in the universe to subvert years of astronomical understanding of time, space,
Student Has Seizure After Drinking Reckless Mixture of Powerade and Sprite (āBlue Lightningā) at Dining Hall
A Northwestern student has been admitted to Evanston hospital after drinking a mixture of blue Powerade and Sprite in Sargent dining hall. Weinberg student Kyle Denton was eating lunch with his friends when they pressured him into drinking a cup of Blue Lightning, which is the street name for the dangerous concoction. Witness reports claim that he took a sip of the mixture (two-thirds Powerade and one-third Sprite) and almost immediately collapsed on the floor. Dining hall workers called an
Local Dickhead Masturbates Over Colorful and Crowded Google Calendar
Norbucks was awash with shock and disgust this week as local dickhead, Derek Havey, touched himself to the image of his overly-colorful and very crowded Google Calendar.