Kirstjen Nielsen Resigns Upon Realizing she Forgot Where she Put the Key to the Cages
Despite what she is calling a “minor inconvenience,” Nielsen says she is trying to look on the bright side.
Category Archives: Archives
William Barr to House Democrats: “Do You Like It When I Tease You?”
When asked what he meant by this, Mr. Barr wasted no time responding, saying “mmmmmm those dirty, dirty Democrats want that juicy Mueller report.
City Mixes Up Arbor Day and ‘Our Boar Day’, Releases Wild Boars
In what city officials are calling an “unfortunate mixup” and “a major oopsie,” dozens of wild boars were released into the local town Gilligan, IL for the celebration of Arbor Day.
Back to Back Topical Pop Culture References Solidify Professor as Cool
“She really connects to the experiences of college-age Gen-Z students like no other 60 year old woman I’ve ever met.”
Endgame Ticket Sales Plummet After New Multi-Factor Authentication Requirement
“The entire process is really very simple,” explained a confused Cinemark representative, “we just send you a notification through the Duo app, drop you an quick email, ask you to fill out a supplementary google form, and confirm your identity through carrier pigeon. Everything is for your own security!”
Admitted Students Commence Battle for Most Obnoxious Facebook Group Member
Chandler posted three get-to-know-me posts in the group so that every new classmate could get a full picture of her.
Sex Week To Be Followed By Herpes Simplex Week
“I’ve probably got more STIs than I can count, so it’s gonna be really cool to finally find out what some of them are called.”
CRU Gathers Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians and More for Rivaling “Sect Week”
“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
Congratulations to local Second Grader Joshua Fairground for Swearing for the First Time
Though Joshua was ultimately grounded, it seems this incident may have created a future comedian.
NU Women’s Basketball Promised Real Basketball To Practice With Next Year
Women’s soccer is now insisting upon real cleats in lieu of university-issued stilettos.