From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
Category Archives: Archives
Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
From the Archives: Young Girl Collapses From Too Much Deliberation About Whether To Wear the Arctic Monkeys AM Shirt with Black Tights or the Lorde Shirt with Gray Tights to Show Lucas From Language Arts That She’s Not Like Other Girls
“I was trying to find the perfect outfit to show Lucas from language arts that I’m, like, totally random and adorkable!”
From the Archives: Due to Spanish Flu, Dillo Day Will Once Again be Held Over the Radio Instead of In-Person
This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
Couple with COVID Probably Having Hot Quarantine Sex in Plex, You’re Having Dining Hall Chickpeas On a Friday Night
Speaking of safety, these active couples aren’t putting it first. But are we really surprised that they’re avoiding protection when they already have a hard time keeping their masks above their noses? Let’s cut them some slack. After all, it’s just not the same with a mask on.
Ask Flippy: Do You Want to See Me Insert This Swab Only an Inch Into my Nostril and Swirl 15 Times? Would You Like That?
“Picture this fever-inducing, body-aching, taste-and-smell-removing scenario in your head, and let me know what you think.”
Impending Disaster: Professor Hasn’t Noticed YouTube Set to Autoplay Next Recommended Video
Some have attempted to contact the professor through the Zoom chat in the vain hopes he knows what that is or how to check it—but, unfortunately for the students, the odds of this happening are slim to none.
In Response to Gender-Neutral Potato Head Rebrand, Fisher-Price to Release New “Man Carrot” Toy Complete with Large, Throbbing, Plastic Penis
Man Carrot comes equipped with several accessories, such as a gun, a bottle of Viagra, and a cigar. Most notable about this toy is the large, anatomically-correct penis attached to the six-inch tall figure, a detail that has not gone unnoticed by Fisher-Price’s critics.
Responding to Sadness that $5 Tuesday is Over, Morty Launches Invest $5 in Fossil Fuels Friday
“We are always looking for more ways to engage the student body in capitalist brainwashing.”