Oh God Oh Fuck: NU A Cappella Groups to Headline Dillo Day
“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
Category Archives: Archives
Sunflower Field Full Of WWII Land Mines Kills 50 Photogenic White Girls
“Danger: Live Munitions and the Perfect Facebook Cover Ahead.”
Op-Ed: College is Not Going Like Pitch Perfect Said It Would
“My voice sounds really decent on an auto-tuned studio recording. Still, the acapella groups won’t accept me, even though at least half of them sound like you’re listening to an Instagram cover of Mariah Carey.”
A Star Is Born: Northwestern Theater Major to Play “Dead Body #2” On SVU
“As a matter of fact, I actually thought someone had just sent us professional photos of a terminally ill person at first glance. But then, one of our interns played a video Preston sent us of him sitting still for 12 hours and it seemed like the perfect fit. What can I say; the kid’s a natural!”
Rabbi Spotted Outside Passover Seder Taking Fat Hit of Bitter Herbs
According to witnesses, Kushberg called for a brief recess in the Passover seder, then grabbed a bowl of bitter herbs from the seder plate, rushed to a dimly lit area behind the temple and took a bitter herb hit of Biblical proportions.
Local Mom Hopes You Had An Egg-cellent Easter
That’s all, yolks!
Burger King To Be Open 25 Hours On 4/20
“After this 4/20, Burger King will become Burger Emperor.”
From the Archives: Ye Olde Candleshoppe in Evanston Doomed Following Implementation of Electric Lighting on NU Campus
Big time investment banker Mr. Maxwell Harrington said, “Fortunately, I can afford to purchase electric lights for my large, impressive house. The poor folk of this town are just going to have to make more money so they can ditch those obsolete candles.”
Joker Origin Movie To Reveal Character’s Age, Real Name, And Pubic Hair Color
Rumors about the film also indicate that the Joker has two moles by his left nipple.
NU Researchers Discover Taking DMT Only Way to See the Invisible Spiders Crawling on Everyone’s Skin All the Time
A group of researchers here at Northwestern University has made a huge, and potentially frightening, discovery. Their report claims that there are thousands of invisible spiders crawling all over everyone at all times, and the only way to see them is to take the drug DMT. Foreseeing what they described as “ethical issues” with making civilian subjects take the drug, the researchers elected to perform the test on themselves. The scientists split into two groups, one being the control group